Gossip has become second nature to many women as they search for ways to boost their egos. In a culture where women often feel they have little control, knowing you hold someone's reputation in your mouth can be a thrill. PNS commentator Caille Millner, a high school senior in San Jose, Ca., writes for YO! Youth Outlook, a newspaper by and about young people produced by Pacific News Service. This is the second of two articles offering young women's views on sisterhood.

Throughout the day, I heard it over and over -- from friends at school or on the street or at my job. I even heard it out of my own mouth:

"She took my man... You should have seen her -- she was all over everyone. She thinks she's all that -- but she's nothing but a snob ... She's a slut, and a stupid one at that."

Everywhere I went I heard women trashing other women. Though many relationships between women are loving and friendly, when one female dislikes another she often resorts to gossip -- and vicious gossip at that.

A lot of it comes from how girls are brought up. If a boy has a problem with another boy, he learns early on to tell him to his face, or explain with his fists. This is commonly accepted as a "manly" way to solve problems. Girls, on the other hand, are taught to keep their true feelings inside and their hands to themselves, so they gain power over each other by attacking each other covertly with words.

The gossiper, however, rarely gains from her actions, despite what she may think.

Take the scapegoat strategy of gossip ("If I talk about so-and-so, who everyone thinks is a jerk anyway, maybe no one will hear about what I did with Tom on Friday night ... "). Not only does this practice grind someone else's self-esteem into the earth, it often backfires. People WILL talk about what you did with Tom on Friday night, as soon as your best friend, trying to deflect attention from herself, tells them about it.

Alicia, 17, has been a "scapegoat" for years. When asked what people have said about her, she matter-of-factly rattles off a long list of lies, with the weariness of a soldier too battered to be hurt anymore. "People have said I'm bestial, a drug addict, a vampire, a bisexual, a raging whore, that I spend my life at raves ... " Alicia, who does not proclaim a sexual orientation but has many gay friends, says the rumors that she's a lesbian don't offend her, but the more virulent gossip like the "bestiality" charge leaves her angry and confused.

To reassure themselves of their status and desirability, gossipers target girls who stand out: girls with unusual lifestyles or thoughts, girls who dress in an unconventional fashion, girls who express themselves in their own way.

Rachel, 16, was a target of this kind of gossip. With shorn, obviously dyed hair, a unique, colorful wardrobe, and the depth and intelligence of a philosopher, Rachel is a walking representative of the phrase "Free your mind." She suffered a lot of rejection for it.

"Oh, I've been called everything from heroin addict to slut," she relates. "Another rumor started after I cut my hair that I'm a full-blown butch." Rachel thinks she is a target of torment because "I don't wear what the magazines say you should, and I have a life outside of school. Since I'm not part of these girls' little world, they make up their own reality for me."

"It made me feel I wasn't worthy of respect," recalls Lori, 16, who was mocked behind her back for her scholarly demeanor. She tried everything she could think of to fit in with the girls who talked about her, but it never worked.

That's because the problem wasn't with her -- it was with the gossipers. Females who talk smack are often the ones with the lowest self-esteem. In a culture where women often feel they have little control, the knowledge that you hold someone's reputation in your mouth can be an immense ego boost.

Gossip is so pervasive that many females engage in it without really thinking about what they say, or the harm it does. But the more some women cut each other down with insults, the worse off all women will be. True sisterhood cannot be reached until women learn to communicate with each other up-front, instead of talking trash behind other's backs.