A 22-year-old Asian immigrant who could not find a reason for living learned how to develop his body, connect to his community and listen to what was in his heart through Tae Kwon Do. Studying this martial art proved to be the greatest turning point in his life. Ronny Kaw, a student at the City College of San Francisco, writes for Monsoon Jr., a journal of Asian youth culture published by the Chinese Progressive Association Writers' Workshop in collaboration with Pacific News Service.

SAN FRANCISCO -- I did not know about the beauty of life until I started studying Tae Kwon Do. In my 22 years, I've experienced trust and mistrust, been confused about identity and role, and have had very few positive influences. But now, because of Tae Kwon Do, I'm able to live in the present, reflect upon my past in a positive light, and look forward to my future.

I didn't have a supportive family growing up in Burma. My typical day would be going to school, coming home, having dinner and then going to bed. Our family life was only at dinner time; what we did during the day remained outside of the family.

My parents fought constantly. I remember when I was about five or six years old, they had this fight with the front door wide open where all the neighbors could watch. The fight went on longer than usual and I got hungry, so I asked the kid I was playing with if he wanted to trade a toy for some food. He invited me to his house where his mother offered me food. That night my family ate really late, and my father went to bed without even eating.

That night I began to understand something about my own family. I saw how another family's evening was totally different from my own. Looking back, I realize how my parents never considered the needs of their kids or of each other. Later on, when I was a teenager, I ended up closing off others in the same way my father closed off us when he was angry.

My parents divorced when I was 11, and two years later my family left Burma and came to San Francisco. I went through culture shock. My family told me one thing, the outside world told me another and my own mind said something different. My family discouraged me from expressing unpleasant feelings. My sister disliked how I would sigh when I felt uneasy. My father ignored me when I talked about school.

From TV, I picked up the message that sex was an everyday thing for everyone. When I was unsuccessful at having an intimate relationship, I came to doubt my own worth and became seriously depressed.

Every day I thought of taking my own life. One day I went to the Golden Gate Bridge and looked down on the water. "What will my death mean," I asked myself. "You don't even know the meaning of life and yet you want to end it. Is it only because you cannot get a girl to fall in love with you?" came the answer. I went home and told no one about it.

Three years later a co-worker invited me to a New Year's Eve party. That night, I danced like Frankenstein with a locked hip. I realized what I needed was a way to express myself physically. I decided to take a Tae Kwon Do class so I could become more comfortable with my movements. After, I planned to take ballroom dancing.

The first two weeks I learned nothing. But I managed to get a spot at the front of the class and all of a sudden I just couldn't stop myself. I "ate and slept" Tae Kwon Do, dropping everything else from my mind. I became addicted.

I have done all kinds of physical activities, but none captivated me like Tae Kwon Do. I began to understand how body, mind and heart work together. The three are connected, yet unique and have their own needs. By balancing and strengthening these three building blocks, we create our worlds from the inside out, starting from ourselves and reaching out into the universe.

Through Tae Kwon Do, you learn to develop your own body -- to find your own rhythm of movement. You also have to use the thinking process, like discussing your difficulties with the teacher or another student and learning from others around you. Finally, you have to understand your heart so you can express your true feelings and share them with others. I learned these things from helping my classmates -- through explaining and defining what I know.

While my parents gave me an overview of what I want to avoid in a relationship, Tae Kwon Do set me on the path to becoming a better human being. I want to keep practicing Tae Kwon Do and teach it to others in the community. I want to make Tae Kwon Do a part of my family's life when I am a parent.