News of turbulent times in Southeast Asia tends to focus on one major crisis after another. Here PNS associate editor Andrew Lam offers the voice of one survivor reflecting on his life, that of Chai Sathaporn a go-go dancer at a gay bar in the Patpong area of Bangkok -- one of an estimated 60,000 sex workers in that city. PNS editor Andrew Lam, a journalist and short-story writer, just returned from a two month trip to East and Southeast Asia.

M I worked cleaning rooms in a hotel, but I did not make good money. The city is so expensive and I wanted to buy things -- clothes, shoes, you know, and CDs and I wanted to see different places. But with have only a fifth grade education, how can I make money?

One day a friend called and said you can make a lot of money working as a call boy in Patpong area -- maybe 10,000 baht [$US222] or more. He was my boyfriend and I missed him and trusted him so I went.

But it's not like I imagined it. My boyfriend was different than when I knew him in the village. He was not a good person anymore, and he wanted me to give him part of my money so I went to another bar.

I dance naked four or five times a week. I wear a button with my number on my wrist. If a customer likes the way I look they tell the waiter to call me over. I talk to them. I squeeze their arms and their thighs and they squeeze mine. If they like me they give the bar 200 baht [US$4.50] to take me out. The bar doesn't pay me -- the boys negotiate on their own with the customers.

Usually I go home to their hotel though I'd rather go to the room upstairs over the bar and get it over with there. But sometimes I like to see the hotels because some are very beautiful.

I can tell who's rich, who's cheap, who's good hearted, and who can be dangerous. I never stay the night -- when the sex is over I go.

I tell customers whatever they want to hear. The truth is I like Asian men but I tell them I like white men only if they are white, especially now that there are more white tourists because of the economic crisis in Asia.

When they ask, I usually say I have been working for only three months -- they want new boys, so you have to pretend. The truth is I've been selling myself for more than three years.

Sure, I worry about AIDS. I've seen some guys die from it, so I'm very aware. But I go to test all the time, and I bring condoms with me every time.

In my free time I read and exercise -- everyday. I lift weights with my friends in the park. We work out together and we dance together -- we take care of each other.

I also watch soccer. I bet on soccer. I'm a bad person -- I spend all my money on clothes and betting. I am no good. I should save money and send it home to my family. But I don't know what to tell them. I told them I work for a hotel but I haven't written for a long time.

There are boys who are small and not so good looking so they can't bargain. They will have to do whatever the customers want. I am tall, muscular and not so bad looking, so I can chose what to do in bed. Unlike some captive girls, I can leave if I want.

Honestly I don't know how long I will continue doing this. I wish I had an education, learned computer -- now it's too late. I don't want to think about the future.

I used to think maybe if I buy a car and have a nice apartment I'll be happy, but Bangkok is so polluted, so crowded -- now I am thinking maybe it's not a good such a good dream. Maybe if I just saved enough money to start a shop somewhere in my village I'd be OK.