Parents worry deeply these days about the son or daughter closeted in the bedroom obsessed with the Internet. But in a culture where the relentless message is "be your own person," or "do it on your own," adolescent rebellion is encouraged if not inevitable. PNS commentator Dorothy Chin is a psychotherapist and writer living in southern California.

As the dust continues to settle over the Littleton, Colorado shootings, the influence of movies, video games and the Internet has become a flashpoint for the fears of middle-class American parents.

In this view, kids can be lost to dark worlds propelled by web sites and hyperlinks over which parents have no control. These fears seem a natural extension of what we think about adolescence -- that in order to grow up, kids will inevitably rebel against parental values, and there's little parents can do except sweat it out and hope for the best.

But are these assumptions true?

My friend Han-hua, whose three adolescent children regularly surf the Internet, doesn't think so nor does he worry that the kids will be led astray into a strange world of ideas he does not share.

"The Internet, like the streets, has the smell of humanity," he says, "but I know who my kids are and what they think."

Is my friend foolish -- or does he know something that other parents don't? The more I think about it, the more I become convinced that the notion of adolescent rebellion and the concomitant fears of parents are uniquely American.

I think about my own upbringing. As immigrants to this country, my family spoke not a word of English. Over time, as the language abilities of us kids progressed, my parents relied on us to make our own decisions in and out of school. My parents never knew what courses I took, never knew what level they were, never met with my teachers for a conference, yet I believe they fully expected my values to reflect theirs and that I behave accordingly.

In America, I see the opposite pattern.

I am constantly amazed at all the things parents do for their children -- drive them to soccer, plan their course work, fill out their college applications -- yet there is little expectation that children will share their values. Instead, in America we expect adolescents to reject their parents' values as part of growing up and becoming "their own person," the pinnacle of personal development in our individualistic culture.

Youth culture and rebellion is celebrated, not only by young people but also by adults who are instrumental in marketing and consuming this culture. Billboards proclaim "just do it," "be yourself, just be," telling us constantly that being cool is doing whatever you feel like at the moment. In this individualistic culture, parents may be less comfortable with a kid who demonstrates no individuality than with a kid who shows "who he is," even if it's with white eye makeup and black trenchcoats.

These notions of adolescence are so ingrained in American culture that American friends are stunned when I tell them there is no adolescent rebellion in Chinese culture. At the threshold of adulthood, kids are expected to adopt their parents' values. In fact, the culture is set up to promote consistent values and downplay any individual's voice. That is why, for example, there are plenty of tables for six or eight in Chinese restaurants but few for two, and why leisure time is spent with the family more often than not.

That is why it is not uncommon to have three generations live under the same roof, and for any member of the extended family to correct a child's behavior. That is also why when Chinese kids are unhappy, they are more likely to be quietly anxious than to take an AK-47 to a crowded library.

No doubt, the suppression of individual need and desire can be very problematic, especially in Chinese-American kids who must negotiate both cultural worlds. But in trying to understand what happened in Colorado, we may do well to look closely at our cultural values that cast adolescents out into the world so that they can become "their own person."

Maybe my friend Han-hua has his finger on the right pulse; he knows who his kids are because they are an extension of himself.